This post has been a long time coming. I’ll go ahead and warn you ahead of time that I will say the words truth and honesty a lot in this post, so please don’t tell me to get a thesaurus.
I’ve been blogging for close to three years. When this started I had dreams of being famous. Of being a Dooce or an Amalah. The truth is, the stories in my head would have drawn me a giant fan base. The problem is, my real life friends and family found me and suddenly I censored everything I wrote. So I turned to humor. I tried to keep it light and funny. Occasionally I would discuss the dark places in my head, and often I would simply ramble. When this all started I would rush to my phone or grab paper to write down all the things in my head. I was full of posts. Full of anecdotes about my boys. Now, well, now I have a hard time thinking of things to write. I find myself forcing the funny, or searching very hard for a post.
The truth is this. While I have wanted to say my medicine feels like it is working, I know it is not. I know that I have retreated back into myself. Maybe that is part of this post, maybe not.
Being honest I’m having a hard times with things in my life. I’m having a very hard time dealing with my extended family. I thought I tucked them away in a neat little box but last week I saw them all. In one room they were there. I broke down. Badly. I found myself wondering why the only good grandma, the only good extended family had to die and I got stuck with these people. It was hard. Hard knowing I let them get to me that much, and hard knowing they didn’t even care.
My cousin told me God never gives me more then you can handle, if that was true I wouldn’t be heavily medicated right now. I wouldn’t find myself lost in my head wishing I could find myself again even if it was just for a day.
Blogging has become a chore. It’s become something I feel obligated to do for so many different reasons. But lately I’ve found myself leaving my computer closed. Drawing away from Facebook and Twitter. Spending time with my family has made my Google reader over load. But pulling away from the computer has helped me in so many ways. My husband and I are getting along the best we have in nine years. The other day he said that all of our mushy texts and cuddling and hugging are because we are still in love. Every day still feels like that honeymoon phase, those first few months. I am so glad we got that back. So glad that every single night when I get in bed he automatically opens his arms to cuddle with me. I believe his actual words were that we were still "courting" each other. He chose that word because he thought it was something Edward would say. He told me that a lot of people who have been together nine years don’t have what we have. People who have been together a year don’t have what we do. I wouldn’t have found that if I was still sitting here on my computer.
I used to think my grandma sent Rob to me. But lately I’ve started to think my birth father did. I think he sent me Rob to make up for all the things he never did for me. No matter what he did dead or alive he will never compare to my actual dad. Never. Truth is, I’m just as thankful for my dad as I am for my husband. My birth dad has become a distant memory. He has become a burden. Having his name is a burden. I want it gone. I want to wash my hands of it. I do know for sure that my grandma sent me my boys. I know she did it to save me. She must have known I would have gone to any length to become the mom I needed to be. She had to have known I would turn myself around and let go for the sake of my boys. Dead or alive she is still the best grandparent I’ll ever had. I’ve come to appreciate the blessings in my life. My mom who is on my side no matter what. My dad who will protect me always, even if it is silently. I am thankful to have a husband who will spend the rest of our lives holding me and loving me no matter who I am. Thankful I have two boys who love me unconditionally. Thankful for my best friends who have never left my side. Friends who let me spend two and a half hours in a car talking about nothing but MIley Cyrus and music. I don’t need to write anymore to feel special. I don’t need to share my life anymore. I need to keep it here inside of my heart and hope that all of this good will eventually push out the bad.
So. With great difficulty and sadness I have made the decision to stop blogging for now. Not forever but for a long time. I hope you keep me in your reader so you will know when I come back. For now though I need to be with myself. I need to work out my head. I feel like I can only burden all of you so much talking about my crazy. I can only write so many stories about my boys. I’ve become repetitive and boring.
I have made some amazing friends from this blog. Patty, Mathers, Jiff, Marnie, Christie. All of them. The thing is, we no longer communicate via blog, we text, or email, or or leave notes on Facebook. I’ve realized I don’t need the blog to communicate with them.
I have so many stories in my head. Things I would love to get out. Things that would amaze all of you. Not being able to share them is starting to clog up my brain.
Yesterday I got in my car and drove two and a half hours alone to pick up Ginger. I had my Miley Cyrus music, and the sound track to her movie blasting. I had the windows down in a hail storm and the heater blasting. I relaxed. I knew in that moment I was done writing. I knew it was time to close the computer and find myself.
I am doing something I never imagined I am walking away. Again I hope you never lose my link because some day I could come back refreshed and anew. I might come back ready to write again and be funny. I might stop by here and there to let you know I’m still alive and well. Besides that I will say goodbye for now.
I will miss all of you. I hope you can understand why I am leaving. I hope doing this really helps me succeed in my journey. I hope I am finally able to find some peace and put my head to rest. I hope I will be able to spend every single second with my husband and kids. My true family. My family that will never walk away. I hope I can find the courage to never break down in front of them again. I hope so many things.
If this post seems rambly its because it is. I sat outside today and wrote this post a thousand times in my head. It sounded so much better in my head. I have the hardest time transcribing my head onto my blog. The truth is I am witting this as fast as I can so I don’t change my mind.
I love all of you. Thank you to my loyal readers. I will close my computer now, I don’t plan to open it again until it is time to balance my check book. And for now, I say goodbye.