A few weekends ago my mom and I merrily spent the day at the local nurserys buying things for my garden.  Potatoes, onions, chives, basil, cilantro, peppers, tomatoes, oregano, etc.  My garden was going to be glorious.  The next morning BAMN peppers, onions and half the tomatoes gone.  Cilantro GONE!

I was livid.  My house is swarming with squirrels.  SWARMING. 

I moved on, got over it and was making peace with the squirrels.  Until last week when I went outside and discovered the little pieces of shit dug up every. single. one. of. my. tulip. bulbs.  EVERY FUCKING ONE!  The dug so goddamn deep it looked like someone had rototilled my garden. 

My heart broke.  Tulips are my favorite flowers. My favorite part of this house is all of the established trees and flowers. The tulips popped up with out me even knowing they were there.  I was thrilled.  I was thrilled when I saw the iris’s pop up last weekend.  I was stunned when the daffodils came up.  I enjoy seeing all of my different trees bloom.  I don’t enjoy seeing a destroyed tulip garden.  I don’t enjoy seeing all of my long tulip stems strewn about in the dirt.  

What I enjoy less is when I got home last night from a really long trip to find my last two remaining tomato plants DESTROYED. 



(Only not really because I may be an asshole but I’ll never hurt an animal.  You are still on notice though!)

So what do I do now?  My visions of fresh home grown salsa are dashed.  Brandons Halloween pumpkins munched on by rabbits.  What do I do?  Give up.  Stop planting?  Succomb to the idea that I have to buy all of my veggies from the store?  

Sigh.  I just wanted some fresh salsa!


** I should ammend this to add, the fucking veggies weren’t even planted, they were still in their little plastic containers and were only there for a few hours.  I planned to put up walls around the tomatoes but I never even got the goddamn fucking chance!

14 thoughts on “Assholes

  1. It may be less aesthetically pleasing, but perhaps you are going to have to cage your veggie garden. I am not sure what to suggest for your flower garden, because that would just look stupid as hell if you caged it. Sorry that you have stupid animals eating your stuff. That sucks.


  2. I agree with the above commenters. Caging is a must. I may have to do that with my berries because the birds are catching on that there is some yummy goodness growing on the raspberry plants. It isn’t as pretty as a none-caged garden. But to be honest, my garden is now so overgrown all the plants seem to be growing into each other. So the cage won’t be that bed. There is also bird netting stuff you can buy. Well worth it if you really want a garden! šŸ™‚


  3. Try the hottest chili powder you can find. Spread it all around the plants and the edges of your garden. It will burn their digging feet like hot spicy food does to your mouth. Best part is? It won’t affect plant growth at all.


  4. It’s amazing how terretorial squirrels can get, my dad almost got taken down my one the other day while he was watering their garden. And yup, I agree with the chili power, it will keep some of those fuckers away.


  5. what is it with the younger generation?
    it is time to take the squirrels out,we need
    to make some john wayne squirrel stew.
    yum,yum good eating


  6. I so agree with the above comment. I got a nice lil .22 rifle with the scope dead nuts right now. The squirrel wouldn’t even know what hit it. Papa, you can have the squirrel soup tho.


  7. Know what sucks even more?
    —when they get into your attic & make a nest out of the stocking that your mom made for you when she was pregnant with you, and you’ve used it every Christmas for your whole life.
    —when they eat through your electrical wiring. And they somehow manage not to electrocute themselves, but they totally fuck up your wiring.
    —when they somehow get into your air conditioner/heater ductwork, and then they have the nerve to die there right before you have company. [yes, out of town guests in January, when we’d cranked up the heat. Stinky fucker.]
    I will hate squirrels with you.


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