If it wasn’t his business and his life I would sit down some day and blog about my dads history (my actual dad not the birth father). His life is….interesting. Some of his stories would make for the worlds best blog. But this much I can tell you. His family sucks. Not all of them, there are two decent ones in the bunch but the rest SUCKS. He doesn’t say a lot, ever. This has always bothered me because in my mind that means he must be turning over and over the events of his life in his head. It drives me crazy. I’m not stupid. I know the things his family does, they bother me, they must bother him. Yet somehow he’s created…this amazing life. He’s given me EVERYTHING. When I got pregnant I didn’t really know how he would react. He was happy. He wanted it to be a boy and from that moment on I WANTED IT TO BE A BOY. I knew, that having a boy would give him lifelong joy. I knew this because I KNEW MY KIDS WOULD NOT GROW UP TO BE IDIOTS.
My first goal as a mom is to just have normal kids. Happy ones. Kids who play sports (T-ball & skiing, check). Kids who have friends. Listen to good HAPPY music. Draw, laugh, play, climb things and pick on Papa (my dad). But my goal doesn’t stop there. Because I want them to be that way as adults. I hope HOPE that when they are 30 they are still picking on Papa. Hiding stuff in his car, or playing pranks or even teaching their kids how to mess with him.
There are so many things wrong with kids now. The ones that bother me the most are the kids without drivers licenses. Why? My God when I was 16 I was at the DMV on that exact day all dressed up and ready to drive. Now kids don’t care because they don’t leave. They play games, they stay in their room listening to depressing music, they…I dunno they STAY AT HOME. I want to kick those parents. There is a girl that works for me. Her son can’t get a job. They all act like they don’t know why. It makes me so mad. You raised him on hard core mosh hate music, dressed him in all black, allowed him to do nothing but play WOW while talking to girls online and never leaving the house. Now he is 21 can’t drive and can’t get a job. NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
My goal…is to never become the kind of parent who finds that okay. My boys have a Nintendo DS. Today is the first time they played it in a month. They rock out….but to happy music that says fun stuff instead of KILL SMASH DIE HATE music. They dress nice. I bathe them regularly. I try to do stupid things to make them happy (like show up to Brandon’s school with his favorite chocolate milk after class because I know he is always thirsty, or cutting his sandwich into the shape of a heart, or laying out his favorite soft jammies in winter because I know how much he loves soft things).
But one thing I know for sure. I will always try and keep my crazy a secret. I don’t plan to tell them I take medication because I don’t want to implant that stigma in their mind. I’d hate for them to be like me and think…well if my birth dad was crazy maybe I am too. That shit manifests into your mind bad. I won’t do that to them. I just want happy kids. I want kids who go to school, graduate, do homework, have girlfriends that are cute and normal and I want kids that don’t smoke cigarettes.
I realize these are all things that will only happen if I PARENT RIGHT.
Like I said I had two goals. Be a good mom and do right by my dad. Like I said he gave me everything. He already gives my boys everything (maybe too much everything, if I never see another box of cupcakes it won’t be too soon) and I just want to give it all back to him. I want to give him two grandsons who love him. Two grandsons who fish with him, who stuff snow down his pants, who always wanna jump on his back and play "ride em cowboy", who run in and show him good grades, who play sports so he has games to go watch. I want to use my own children to repay him for what he has done for me. I want my kids to be the thing that changes his day. That changes his life. Already they show him unconditional love. My kids love him more then me and my husband combined I think. They love him just because he is Papa and for nothing else and every day all I think is, "I don’t want that to ever stop." For the rest of his life I want him to have one thing that is constant and GOOD, that he has two little buddies who thinks he taught Superman to fly, while hanging the moon, and being made of steel.
He is a quiet man. We don’t talk a lot so I’m sure he doesn’t know how often I think of him. How much I appreciate him. How much it bothers me that a man like that ended up with a family like he did and how thankful I am I managed to have not one but TWO little boys who will forever think he is the world. I’m thankful for it too. Because it keeps me on my toes as a mom. It reminds me every day why I need to raise good boys. Why I need to teach them right from wrong. Why drugs, or bad music, or bad friends will never be an option.
I’m thankful for the four boys (husband too) in my life, those boys save my life every day without even knowing it….and to think, I wanted a girl when I was little.